


Break Me Down

by Butterfly



Series: Like Something Out of Wuthering Heights [1]
Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-04
Updated: 2009-11-04
Packaged: 2017-10-02 15:03:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butterfly/pseuds/Butterfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some truths you regret learning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Break Me Down

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the AI Kinkmeme.

Kris hummed softly, one of Adam's new songs, as he unlocked the door to their house - a thought that still sent a thrill through him after six months of marriage - and let himself inside. Adam wasn't home yet, but Kris hadn't been expecting him to be - he'd told Kris two days ago that he'd scheduled a song-writing session for tonight and that he probably wouldn't be back until late.

Their answering machine was blinking out that they had two new messages, so Kris started playback while he hung up his keys.

The first message was from his mom, inviting Kris and Adam out to Arkansas in a couple of weeks. Kris hit 'delete' since it was too late to call her back now, plus he'd need to double-check the dates with Adam.

The second was from Brad, which probably meant that Adam had been forgetting to charge his cellphone again, if Brad was calling at the house. Kris was just about to hit 'save' on that one, when Adam's voice broke in. Huh, there must be a glitch on their system if the machine wasn't disconnecting when it got answered.

"I _know_, I need to remember to plug in my phone," Adam said and Kris laughed a little, even if no one was around to hear him.

"Well, I'm just calling to ask you to bring your own alcohol tonight," Brad said, and Kris frowned because - well, these messages had to be from today. Kris had checked the machine before he'd left in the morning. He waited for Adam to make his excuses, mention that he was working.

"Yeah, no problem, baby," Adam said, soft and sympathetic. "Oh, hey, I've got to skip next time, though. Kris needs a little TLC."

"Damn, I thought you had that bitch trained," Brad said.

Adam laughed.

Adam _laughed_.

And it wasn't even... it wasn't a weird laugh. It was _Adam's_ laugh, warm and wonderful, the sound that Adam made when he was genuinely amused.

"Seriously, honey, what's the point of getting the boy to fall so in love with you if you're the one leaping at his commands?" Brad asked. "I thought one of the reasons we picked him was because it was so obvious that he wanted to roll over for you."

"It doesn't hurt to give him what he wants," Adam said, and the fondness in his voice was- was actually a little off-putting because there was an edge of something there that Kris hadn't ever heard when Adam was talking to him. He couldn't quite figure out what it was, but it was making his stomach churn. "You're not the one living with him."

"Mmm, and how's that going?" Brad asked and Kris _could_ figure out what his tone meant - there was a streak of contempt in it a mile wide. "Is he still having trouble deep throating? You'd think he'd have figured that one out by now."

"He's getting better," Adam said. Kris fumbled with the machine. "I mean, he'll probably never be as good as-"

Blissfully, _thankfully_, Kris's finger smashed down on the 'delete' button and Adam's voice cut off.

He'd given Adam a blow job that morning, woken him up with it. He'd gone all the way down, wanting so much to be able to give Adam everything. Wanting-

_never be as good_

Kris didn't actually throw up, but it was a close thing. He felt... strange. Numb all over. It actually reminded him a little of- of being in Morocco, of being sick. He'd felt so helpless then, so out of control of his own life that all he could do was offer it all up into God's hands, trust in Him.

There was a cross in the nightstand in their bedroom, the one on his side. Kris got it out and went down to his knees, looking - praying - for some kind of guidance.

 

* * *

Adam whistled as he came through the door and then put away his things. Hanging out with Brad was always a blast and he still had a nice buzz going on, though hopefully not enough of one that Kris would notice. He went to the kitchen to see what Kris had made for him - Kris made a habit of making enough food for two and then saving the rest for Adam - but there wasn't anything new in the fridge or out on the counter.

Kris must have been exhausted when he got home. Sometimes, Adam woke him up for a little late-night sex, but Kris might need his rest tonight. Adam decided that he'd just sneak into bed and they could make up for it in the morning.

Except that there was a light on in their bedroom.

Kris was sitting on top of the bedspread, arms wrapped around his knees.

There was a suitcase, about half-way packed, resting at the foot of the bed.

"Kris-" Adam moved forward cautiously - the tension in Kris's shoulders was obvious. "Baby, what's wrong?" He placed a hand on Kris's back - and Kris flinched away from him, ducking out from under his touch and ending up on the other side of the bed. "_Kris_, what's going on?"

"I don't have anywhere to go," Kris said and he still wasn't looking at Adam and he sure as fuck wasn't making sense. "Everyone knows the way I feel about you. _Everyone_. I... I can't think of how I could explain what- how I changed... I left my wife for you."

Kris's lower lip was trembling.

"Did you even like me?" Kris asked, quiet and lost, and that- that just didn't make any sense at all. Adam climbed up on the bed and reached out for Kris again. Kris flinched at his touch, _again_, fuck, but didn't pull away, letting Adam haul him close. Kris's next words made him freeze. "What did you and Brad pick me for?"

"Kris, honey-" Adam said, fumbling for the right words, but, _shit_, Kris couldn't be saying what Adam thought he was saying. "I don't know what-"

"The machine didn't stop," Kris said. "When you answered Brad's call today, the machine didn't stop." Adam closed his eyes, trying to remember that conversation and... oh, no. Oh, please, _no_. "He said- and you- you..."

Adam pressed his mouth to Kris's neck, relieved at the needy gasp that caused. Whatever Kris was feeling right now, his body still wanted Adam.

The sex was...awkward, because Kris refused to look directly at him, even as his body opened up and responded. Every so often, Kris would shiver and jerk away, like he wanted to get off the bed, and Adam would soothe him with kisses and petting. He didn't try to fuck Kris, not this time, kept it to rubbing against him and jerking him off.

Even after he came, Kris was still tense and so obviously, desperately unhappy. Adam had known - he'd known that sex wouldn't _fix_ that, but he'd been hoping that it would help, at least a little.

"Did you and Brad have sex?" Kris asked, then he shook his head a little, like he'd said something stupid. "Tonight, I mean."

"I've never cheated on you," Adam said, carefully, and Kris made this low, bitter noise that was half-way between a sob and a laugh. It was- through everything - that initial spark of attraction, Adam deciding to concentrate on Kris, the way Kris's marriage had fallen apart as he fell in love with Adam - none of that had ever made Kris sound _bitter_. He placed firm fingers on Kris's chin, turning his face up to Adam's, even as Kris tried to flinch away again.

"Please, Adam," Kris whispered, his eyes closing. "Please, don't."

"Baby, look at me," Adam said, voice as coaxing as he could make it. He rubbed his thumb over Kris' mouth, slipping it inside. There was a tentative lick against the pad, and Kris's teeth gently scraped over his skin. Kris's eyelashes fluttered, and then he was finally looking at Adam- and Adam saw precisely why he hadn't wanted to look.

Kris looked exhausted and lonely and... and _defeated_, like he'd just completely given up. Adam leaned forward to kiss him, trying to get Kris to engage with him and half-succeeding.

When he pulled away again, Kris's hand caught the back of his neck, kept him close.

"I love you," Kris said, and the words that had always spilled out of Kris's mouth like the best secret in the world were quiet now, a harshness behind them. "That's- that's the worst part, I think. _I love you_. I can't- I can't leave you. I've never been able to keep away from you, not for long." Kris laughed, and his voice cracked half-way through. "Even if all I am to you is- I _tried _to leave. I was packing and- and I could have gone to a hotel, maybe, but then all I could think was... that you'd come home and I wouldn't be here."

"You're going to stay," Adam said, picking out the good part, the part that mattered, the part that meant he'd be able to work on the rest.

"Yeah," Kris said, his eyes downcast again, then he moved forward and kissed Adam, no tongue - almost chaste. "As long as you want me."

Adam kissed him back and tumbled him over onto his back, and tried not to think about the way Kris was letting Adam move him, so much more passive in bed than he'd ever been before.

He'd make this work. He'd get Kris to trust him again.

He just needed time.

 

* * *

When Kris woke up the next morning, Adam was on the phone, his voice soft and warm and Kris didn't have to listen to the words to know exactly who Adam was talking to.

"-out for a visit," Adam said. He laughed and Kris slowly opened his eyes, the memory of yesterday hitting him all over again. Adam didn't look any different. He _should_, Kris thought. He should look... he shouldn't still be Adam and dear and wonderful. Adam was sitting cross-legged at the end of the bed and he wasn't looking toward Kris. "Yeah, Mama A, I promise. I love you, too. See you in a couple of weeks."

Maybe it hadn't been real. Kris hadn't ever been given to vivid nightmares, but... but _maybe_. And then Adam thumbed the phone off and looked up at him and the weight of regret in his eyes was painful and reassuring, all at the same time.

"It's true, then," Kris said. The knowledge hurt less today, though it was just as puzzling. "You and Brad, coming up with the idea to... I don't even know what the plan was."

"We always watched the show," Adam said, and he tugged at the sheet, and Kris shivered as his naked body was exposed. He _shouldn't_ still feel safe, not when he knew he wasn't. He was feeling as twisted up now as he had last night, when he'd wanted nothing more than to get the hell out of the house... except for that part of him that had only wanted to curl up in Adam's arms and let him take care of everything. The part of him that needed Adam always won, it seemed, even when that meant that Kris was-

Adam's hand was on his ankle. Kris breathed in carefully and watched him.

"Gay guys never really go far," Adam said, and his hand was gliding up and over Kris's leg. "Especially not guys who don't try to hide it. But the show has this- bromance thing."

"Yeah," Kris said, voice thick. "I've noticed that."

"That's what I was going to go for," Adam said. "Take a bromance and push it into really being gay. It wasn't going to be you - and it was _never_ meant to... but-"

"I liked you so much that it was silly to try to use anyone else," Kris said. Adam brushed his mouth over the skin of Kris's thigh and Kris sighed in reaction, his legs shifting apart before he had time to think about it. Katy had... Katy had said once that Adam was going to disappoint him and he'd looked at her like she was crazy and said that it didn't matter. That his love would always be stronger.

He's not sure if it's good or bad that he was telling the truth.

"And people loved it," Adam said, and there was an edge of something in his voice - disbelief? Anger? - Kris couldn't quite pick it out. "Kradam was... well, you know how popular it still is. People ate it up."

"And I fell in love with you," Kris said, and the silence after that ached worse than the way he'd heard Adam laughing on the phone yesterday.

Adam licked a line up Kris's cock and it was- _fuck_, Adam was great at it and he was so beautiful, especially in the morning before he'd put on his make-up, so Kris just let himself relax into it. He touched Adam's hair softly and wished it were a day ago, when he'd still thought that Adam loved him, too.

"I never wanted to hurt you," Adam said, afterwards, wrapped around Kris. And maybe it was all empty excuses, but it was still nice to hear. "I care about you, I do. I- I wish that you hadn't heard all that bullshit - Brad doesn't mean half of what he says, anyway." Adam breathed in deep, like he was going to say something uncomfortable. "And... I _tried_ to break things off when it got too serious-"

"_This_ is what New York was about?" Kris asked, and he'd been blithely arrogant that day, insisting that Adam had to feel something, too, that it couldn't just be Kris who was so far gone.

"It was never supposed to go that far," Adam said, and his lips pressed behind Kris's ear. "Damn it, baby, why did you do it like that? You burnt your bridges. What the _fuck_ was I supposed to do?"

"I was tired of lying," Kris said. And that would have been true regardless of Adam's response. He'd fallen in love with someone else. Katy had deserved to know, whether or not Adam wanted him back. "I'd told Katy everything for years and then... and then I knew you and you were..."

He closed his eyes and let Adam suck at his neck, his hand coming up to press at Adam's cheek.

_You were everything._

Kris had gone down on his knees last night and he'd prayed for hours. Then he'd started to pack. At no point had he ever felt like he _knew_ the right thing to do. No divine guidance shining down, no light in his heart telling him the right way.

Just the growing conviction that if he left, every day would be like those cold weeks between when he'd told Adam that he was in love and Adam -_ lied to him_ \- said it back. Before he'd gotten sick and Adam had crawled next to him in his bunk, cramped and uncomfortable, and brushed his hair off his forehead and said the words that Kris had been aching for since New York.

"You want me to stay?" Kris asked, because... because that wasn't love, but it was _something_. "You want to... to go out and visit my folks and... and stay married and... and everything we had?"

"Yeah," Adam said, and Kris bit down on his lip and wondered if that would be enough. Adam's breath was warm on the back of his neck and if he just pretended, a little bit, it was almost yesterday. "I- I don't know if I love you, Kris, but I don't want to lose you."

Kris blinked back tears - and why would he be crying _now_, after everything else that had happened? - and pet at Adam's hand, kinda helplessly. "You won't," he said.

He'd broken his wedding vows once, because he'd said them before he really understood what it meant to need someone so much that a single day without them felt like too much. Now, the weight of the vows he'd said to Adam, they tethered him in place, not because they were an obligation but simply because they were true.

_I promise that as long as I live, you will never be lonely and you will never be less than fully loved._

"I'm not going to leave," Kris said, quiet but certain, and he could feel the tension leaving Adam's body. "I promise."

And then Adam kissed him, and his face was wet, so Kris parted his lips and closed his eyes and he let himself be swept away.


End file.
